My Traumatic Brain Injury

   My accident happened July 31, 2009. I was rollerblading when I stumbled on some small rocks. I got my balance and was rolling backward, just about to turn and……

    I hear my name, and see the girl from the store and her brother running toward me. It’s taking them forever to get to me. Why are you moving so slow? The best way I can explain it, is the slow motion part at the end of a action movie when the hero is dying and his side kick is running to save him, very surreal. A few months later this young women who found me lying in the street, and I my mind saved my life. Would also shatter my belief system. In just a few short words everything I believed about life and death was gone. This is what she said. “ I thought you were dead.” “You didn’t move I was yelling at you, and you didn’t move when I touched you, you jumped and tried to get up.” “ You scared me”. I thought, I saw you get out of your car? I saw you running to me? She tells me I wasn’t awake. Was I dreaming? This is something that still bothers me as I don’t have an answer for this. Not one I am willing to except. She and her brother helped me to the house I told them I lived in, I was only off by two doors. What do you want? I just whacked my melon pretty hard. The neighbors took over from there as this girl and her brother where on their way to work at the store that she knew me from. She had just asked me my name the day before. She had served me at that store for about a year. I think everyone who has met me will vouch for me here. I will talk to anybody. So to say we have talk a few times would be an a bit of an understatement. I have since moved, therefore I no longer see her or her brother any more. Funny how things work out isn’t it? Possibly the most profound moment in my life. The births of my children exempted. The person I many very well owe my life, only spent one year in it and not a big role either. I say this as it was her voice I heard calling to me and when she touched me I woke up. I went to the hospital after my neighbors got me home and my better and smarter half took control.

    The hospital was very busy, it was Friday night after all. I ended up talking my way out of waiting. I have had a few concussions in my day. Just wake me up every hour or so. I assured her. There would be no need as I spent most of my night awake sick to my stomach. There was no way of getting out of another trip to the hospital, however I didn’t see the need in our eight month old to be there for it. There was no one available to watch him. So I was dropped off at the E.R doors. I was one of few people there this time. I don’t think I got all the way checked in before I was with a doctor. All I said was I hit my head yesterday and had been sick to my stomach. Before I knew it I was on my way for a CT scan. Ok now your get a little carried away, is this just because I forgot it was August? Come on it’s the 1^st I would have forgotten that, even before I fell! The doctor told me she had some not so good news. I asked her if I had killed the hamster? The doctor didn’t share my sense of humor. The doctor gave me some pills and a glass of water. The pills where for the head ache she assured me was coming. I have know idea what those pills were, but WOW! The rest was a little difficult for me to understand thank-you pills. She told me I had some bleeding in my brain and they had called and my family, and they where on their way.

   I had a total of four hemorrhages in my brain. Mostly in the center of my frontal lobe, One massive bleed and three minor bleeds. Any hemorrhage in your brain is not a good thing. Kind of like a stroke. This is what they call a Traumatic Brain Injury or TBI. There really was nothing they could do just medicate me and hope the bleeding stopped. Its not like they can just sew your brain back together. I really didn’t understand what was going on, and that was probably for the best. I remember thinking they where over reacting this isn’t happening I am not going down this way, not without a fight. I don’t know if thinking this way helped or not, but it couldn’t have hurt. I have recovered almost fully, and faster then I expected. I say this in hide site. I really didn’t started to make progress until we realized these problems I encountered where the results of the injury. Treating me like others that suffer these same symptoms without a TBI wasn’t working. It proved to be a difficult and trying thing to get through. I sometimes think it has been harder for the people around me, then it was on me. I don’t think any of them understand what I have been through, and still struggle with from time to time. Just like I don’t remember all of what has happened with me, the things I have done or said to the people that have been here with me. There have been times I didn’t even know myself at all. A few have not made it to the end of this journey as they haven’t been around in awhile. I can’t say that I blame them, but I wish they didn’t blame me.

   What I have gone through is not uncommon for people that have suffered a TBI. Although the results and recovery can be very different pending on the area of the brain that has been damaged. My most damaged area was the center of my frontal lobe. This area is what makes us who we are. I found this information on neuroskills.com “This is your emotional control center and the home of to our personality. There is no other area of the brain which lesions can cause as wide range of symptoms.” “The frontal lobe is involved with motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgment, impulse control, social and sexual behavior.” If I had damaged the occipital lobe I may have had problems with or loss of vision, colour blindness, visual hallucinations, Ect. You get the point. There are four lobes divided into two hemispheres. Each controlling different functions. There is to much, to explain what each lobes functions are. I will just tell you some of my own symptoms. At first it was the obvious memory problems and I would ware down easily. I had a bad habit of hanging up on people as I would forget who I was talking to, or what we were talking about so I would just hang up. Sometimes in the middle of my own sentence. I think it was about a month or so after my injury that I found I couldn’t read or write any more. This just happened one day. I read the paper and magazines in the hospital then out of the blue nothing. I wasn’t all that great at reading to begin with, but I couldn’t read at a grade one level when this happened. I couldn’t do simple math in my head either, I could if I wrote it down. It was a little embarrassing to have to write down 11- 7 = 4, but I had to. I did crossword puzzles and looked up the words I didn’t know the meaning of. It came back slowly.



    It was the emotional problems that where the hardest to deal with and get past. And to some extent I am still working on this, however I feel better then I have ever felt before or after my TBI. I have had to learn to deal with all of my emotions over again. I really have had to find my self, for most that is just a metaphor. At first I just seemed to have very little patience, and angered easily. Then the depression started I would bounce up and down sometimes hourly with outbursts of anger. The longer it went the more volatile I got. Then I started becoming suicidal, and paranoid, after a car accident I was pushed by my family and finally agreed to see a psychiatrist. I was put on a medication to help me deal with the depression that had taken hold of me. I was losing my battle and needed the help. At first it was good, but about two months later things took a turn for the worse. Quickly becoming worse then ever. My angry outbursts had become all out rage, the depression made my more suicidal then before. I was becoming more paranoid day by day. I could see I was spinning out of control, and I thought the people closest to me were doing this to me on propose. I know now and to a point then that this wasn’t true. I just couldn’t stop it. I hated myself for hating the people closest to me. I felt like I was losing my mind if I had not already lost it.

    A change in thinking and medication made these feelings and thoughts subside. I was starting to resemble the person I was before. I don’t see the psychiatrist any more. I am on the right medication now it’s just a matter of fine touning the dosage. At first the thinking was the depression came from the injury and that was the cause of all the problems I was experiencing. When the thinking change to the area of the brain that had been damaged being the cause of the symptoms. I had realized that my sense of smell was gone the psychiatrist took great interest in that information this was the first time he showed a reaction and was soon checking my MRI’ s and CT scans. Soon I was put on Seroquel. Seroquel affects the neurotransmitters in the brain. The neurotransmitters that where no longer working or being produced after my injury.

   I assume I will need to be on this medication for the remainder of my life. A life I am lucky to have. I have lost some friends and even some loved ones through all of this, but I am alive and very thankful for that. I have been through my own personal hell and have taken others along for the scariest rollercoaster ride you can imagine. I wish I hadn’t lost these people while this was going on however I can’t change it. I can’t tell you how hard it is to be trapped in your own mind watching yourself do and say things you know you shouldn’t and don’t want yourself to do. I cant explain it to you to make you understand but I felt like I was watching someone else control me. I don’t know why or how this happens. I can only tell you that it did happen to me, and has and will happen to many others. If you are one of the unfortunate people watching your loved one go through this please be patience and try not to take it to heart your loved one doesn’t know what they are doing. What they do realize they are doing, they don’t want to. It is important that you don’t show them how much they have hurt you. I know that sounds wrong, but they can switch in a split second and you can’t give the depression any fuel or you may lose them forever. They can and will came back to you. You need to be there to help guide them through this maze of emotions they no longer understand. You cant push them as this will make them push back making things worse. They may not seem like the same person, but they are there, You need to find a way to talk to the one you know, pick your spots carefully cause when you can get through to them the real progress can be made. I have found counseling very helpful in my quest to learn to handle my emotions again. Part of this is also up to the brain to find ways around the damaged brain tissue as well. It’s like the telephone lines being knocked down, your phone will not work till the lines get fixed or rerouted. Maybe the rest of towns phones work just not in your area. After a TBI parts of the brain will go into hibernation as long as a year, so knowing the full extent of the damage can take a year or two. Look for little things, try to catch it as soon as you can. It could save your life again or at the very least save you a lot of extra work.

   So far since my fall I have learned or reminded myself to read and write I read better then before go figure. I can now do math in my head, but it has yet to get back to were it was before. A year ago I didn’t understand any of my feeling or thoughts, I didn’t even no who I was. I have paid a hefty price for one little stumble, physically, mentally and emotionally. I have lost some close friends, my better half and almost myself. These people I miss, some greatly. I have learned more about myself in the last one and a half years then most will learn in a life time. I have found more strength within myself then I ever knew I had. When I didn’t have it for myself I found with my loved ones. For that I will never be able to express my gratitude. Last summer one of my support system was taken from us in an accident at work. I never got the chance to thank him for all of his help. But Craig I will never forget you or what you have done for me. If you notice the name of my blog is in Craig’s memory. He use to say “I have an opinion!, and I will give it to you”. For those that didn’t make it to the end of my nightmare I truly apologize for everything I have put you through, and I don’t hold it against you. I do hope that someday you can find it within yourself to forgive me, and maybe we can start again. To this day and for the remainder of my life I will always have a special place in my heart for the people that found me, and will always remember the voice that saved me. I have thanked these people however I have never found the words to express how thankful I truly am. The odds of survival after an injury like this are about 20 % with immediate medical attention and go down the longer it takes to receive it. I was over 12 hours after I suffered the injury. So when I say I am lucky to be where I am today it is a major understatement. Even after you get past the injury its self there is the depression, reckless risky behavior, and complete personality changes are waiting. I can’t tell you what symptoms your TBI survivor will have like I said it depends on the location of the damage. The doctors really can’t predict what you will do either. Nobody can say with complete certainty. I suggest you do your homework and watch your loved one closely over the next year or two. Watch for the first signs and try to catch it as soon as you can. The longer you wait the harder and the longer the road will be. I know I have said this before. I just can’t tell you how important this is. For those of you that are suffering the symptoms please take it from someone who has been there. You can’t undo your injury, you may not ever get it all back exactly the way it was, however you can’t give up. Every time I was told I wouldn’t be able to do this or that. I took it as a personal challenge. That was the person I was coming out. If you know me you know I am competitive. So far I have proved everyone wrong I hope I can prove myself wrong as I do have some doubts from time to time. I am not 100 % but I am very close. The next step is to reinstituted more expects to my everyday life, this will take time as it needs to be done slowly so that I can adjust to the new pressure a little bit at a time. What I use to do as my everyday life has become over whelming at times. I have rushed this process before and had set backs so I will take it as slow as I need to. I can’t get discouraged this is just the way it is. I can’t let others push me to do things quicker then what is comfortable for me. The most important thing is I can’t give up. I have come to far to give up now. I wish you all the best with your recovery. Again the best advice is don’t waste your time feeling sorry for yourself you can’t change it. Never give up! Nobody knows what you can achieve. Always push yourself to be better tomorrow. Trust the people that are there with you, they love you, even if you can’t see it at this time. You will. Don’t be to surprised if some people walk away from you it is hard for them too. You have to be stronger then that. The people taking the brunt of the backlash. Try to remember your survivor doesn’t mean to do these things, they are confused and don’t know who to trust I didn’t even trust myself. I wish I could tell you some easy way to get through these very trying times, but the truth is there isn’t an easy way. I have come out of this a new man, I have learned many things, both about myself and others. If I could go back and change things I most certainly wouldn’t do it again, but I am not mad that it happened anymore. I have been given a gift it just came in a really ugly package.





    Thank you for your time and good luck with your fight. R. England.